Thursday, October 8, 2009

A Septermber to Remember.... yeah I know... but it fits!

Labor day weekend…. and I set off for one of the largest growth experiences of my leather life. It was the Master slave Conference in Washington DC. I had attended last year for one of the days and this year had decided on attended the entire event. I volunteered to help with the Carter/Johnson leather library. The library was placed gently in my truck and the most important cargo of my life sat next to me for the drive, I got one on one time with a woman I now call Mom, Vi Johnson. Setting up the library is an experience all on its own and I wound up watching other family members take charge and poof it was done. I spent a lot of time that weekend with the books and periodicals. I recently joined LSM and I took the time to go thru a lot of that organizations history. I also was able to attend a couple of the class’s. It felt so right being back in the M/s environment. I could feel the energy in me rejuvenate. It makes sense… it has always made sense. The weekend left me with a lot to think about. I know the direction I am supposed to be going. The conference helped lead me to the right road.

My friends won the weekend contest. The new Northeast Master/slave team is Master Steve and slave tami. They were the very first ones to believe in me when I ran for my MAL-W title and threw a fundraiser to help get me there. You better bet I’ll be at SouthPlains LeatherFest/ International Master/slave Weekend in Dallas cheering them on.

The rest of the month has been preparing for my upcoming fundraiser. Philadelphia Leather Pride Night. Our little fundraiser has turned into something much bigger. We now have a committee of 18 members representing 16 different groups from 4 different states. That is a wow. I have two amazing women flying in to help, one is my namesake and the other is girl go fix it from Louisiana. The night will be run similar to LPN in NYC with a live auction by Jo Arnone. It is now meeting after meeting and countless hours with phone calls and emails. One thing I am doing different… I am taking one day a week for me. I have been to NYC twice with one of the visits being a backstage tour of Phantom of the Opera. That was a dream come true. I then sat thru the musical holding back the tears. Hell I’ll admit I cried thru two of the songs. I have seen Phantom numerous times on Broadway and in Philly and I just can’t get enough. I am a big softie at heart. The other time I took for me was in Baltimore. I was honored to be a guest at a private spiritual cutting ceremony. I was surrounded by chosen family… family that I am damn proud to call family. I met up with friends for dinner the next day and one asked me.. so Cowboi… its been a couple months since you’ve won your title…. I didn’t let her get the rest out.. I immediately answered … it’s the best thing I’ve done in my leather life. I have grown so much in the last couple of months and I have found I can use my title to help make good things happen like P-LPN. I am very happy and proud. I look forward to the next couple months and wait to see my next adventures.

The one thing that was eating at me all month.. it was test time. I am down to one CT scan a year with oncology appointments quarterly. I passed the test again. I have yet another year to torture everyone…lol. I am a monster every time I see that doctor. I feel for anyone around me. I don’t eat… I don’t sleep… I am just a mess… hell I am a scared little kid that wants to act out and scream. It has been more exhausting living in remission then it was battling for my life. At least then I knew what I was fighting… now I find the fight within and I am tired. Its now 7 years… and I turned 40. Even my docs are pleasantly surprised at how well I’m doing. Perhaps now its time to believe that I am no longer a danger to others. For years I’ve lived with the philosophy that it is not fair to others to have me in their lives and for me to die on them. I never want to hurt someone to that degree. I would rather be alone then to hurt someone I care about. So I care from a distance and I push. There has been a huge monkey wrench in the way I’ve lived… it seems in the last couple of months I have wanted to let people in. I want to be the one who has a happy ending. I just don’t know how…. so forgive me while I put on my new shoes and try this living thing. I’m going to stumble a bit and I’m sure to get some blisters but I am ready to go for that walk in the woods. I do think I have earned it and I deserve it. I no longer want to live like I’m dying.

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